The evolution (and nightmare) of Project P.K

1st of all this is going to be a bit of an long read so … take it to bed and read it as a bedtime story. It’s all true and your free to express your views and comments below. Terms and Conditions apply!

Right let’s start from the top! Project P.K! The project started off as an Valentine’s day card. I gave dad an idea and he made it into an real drawing. Now all I did was colour it in and send it off as an Valentine’s day card. I could of just said yeah that’s all good leave it as that but I went the next step further. I wanted to make it real. So the 1st stop was Goldsmiths in Victoria. An nice guy I know called Joe who works there tried to help me out. I gave him the design and he said he would give me an call. Now for what I wanted it for, he told me it will cost me over £2.500. That’s right! Over two thousand and five hundred pounds! And to make things wrong it would be the size of … well 5mm? And it would not look like the design nor would it have any pink on it at all. But he did suggest I try Hatton Gardens.

Hatton Gardens is famous for been an place best for custom made jewellery and diamonds. I walked around this place looking for Joe’s friend Ifran who worked at an store in Hatton Gardens. I walked around and couldn’t find his place. In the end I said forget it just ask around and find out for myself. So I went into various shops and show them the design. Explaining the details and everything else. I was very close to handing over the project to two stores at that time due to been so cheap. But the last store I went into came out with an even better deal. £450 for an 18 carot white gold with the pink sapphire. Yes this does not mean it comes with the chain. But right then that was the least of my worries. All good I thought. What won me over was the 3D image San made of my design. That really made it real. Days later I gave San and David an call and said yeah I happy to hand the project off to you guys.

So all that is left is to get the money and pay the good people! So I got some money ready and paid £100 cash money and the £350 on card. All that was left was the phone call to tell me it’s ready to be picked up. As an thank you I wanted to give these guys an t-shirt with the company logo. Moving on to Project number two! Project Company logo. This project was going to be designed by my good friend Digital Flesh. To be honest, it would of been the old logo Mummy D made. But due to her recent acts I didn’t use it. So again I explained to Flesh what I wanted the design to look like and he made it happen. It took him about an week and it was good to go. He told me of an store that printed t-shirts at the top of his road. Cool I thought. If they sound good then I can come back and e-mail the design.

I went up there and got the prices and the lead time of how long it would take. Everything sounded in order and I thought aight let’s go ahead with it. So Flesh finished off the design and we e-mailed it to them. Keep in mind the guy said to me it will be done by Monday. So I thought cool. Each t-shirt cost £20 each and since I had 4 it came to £80. So in my mind another project has been lifted off the ground and I don’t have to stress and worry about getting it done. While this was going on I asked dad to start work on the design for the 3rd (and maybe final) project. This project is called Project Pinky. Now Pinky started life as an 47″ pink elephant. Now he has been trimmed down to 30″. I went around asking and e-mailing various companies asking can they do it. Some said yes we can but you need to do at least an thousand. -_- Pass.

But one company in America said yes we can go ahead and do it for you. So me and Diana at D-F has been going back and fourth with e-mails. At this current stage the project will start next month. Well that all depends on the change of the shipping charges and anything else. As of now this is how it looks. She wants me to do an deposit 3 ways. Each month basically been … say £500 for the 1st two months and the 3rd one will be about say … £700. This is how it’s worked out. Quote from the e-mail :

Or you can make 30% deposit to secure the current price. Which means, you will make three deposit:

1. 30% deposit:$738.26 for securing this price and sign the agreement before Mar 31,2010.

2. 30% deposit $738.26 next month April 15-20,2010.

3. Once we receive the 2nd payment, we will show you the trial sample and improved sample.

4. 40% deposit $984.36 before we ship out the prototype to you.

Now as of the 28/03/10 $738.26 is £496.00. So two of those. Then $984.36 is £658.26p. To be honest, fair do. Go ahead and do make it. Yeah it is an lot but end of the day, if they can make and it’s cheaper than making an thousand made, do it. Back to Project Company T-shirt. Well Monday came and no phone call. So I went down there. See what was the delay. Now I looked and my bag was sitting in the same place it was on Friday night. -_- Not even happy. She said to me she would give me an call Monday night and let me know the update. No phone call. So Tuesday I get an phone call during the day and it’s the t-shirt company. Said to me it should be done by Wednesday. Again no phone call to confirm this. Wednesday I thought I should pay an visit to the jewellery people. So I went to the store with the help of my manger giving me an lift. Went up to the door and my face dropped. I was happy expecting to pick it up.

The store looked empty. As in it was opening up as an new store. No jewellery. No lights on. Just an empty store. I thought aight calm down just ask the people around what is going on. Across the road is an cafe. I asked them what is going on and the guy said the owner was moving. Moving I thought. Well why not put an sign up on the door or window explaining that? Even still I thought aight ask the people outside next door if they know anything. I asked one of the guys and he said the guy has done an runner. I didn’t know what to say or think. I was like … don’t … lie. Now what do I do?! I lost £450 and my pendant. It was the fact that it was near collection that made it worst. Disappointed and very upset I went upstairs at my work place and made some phone calls. Police as crap as they are can’t help. If you paid them the money then they can’t help since you entered an contract with them.

So what solutions did they come out? Speak to solicitors. That’s going to be money I don’t have. The solicitors said I need to also pay someone to track him down. All of this money … Seriously where am I meant to get it from? Sigh. Well anyway later that day I got an phone call from the guy and he explained that his store was robbed and that he is moving. He will meet me on Monday and i will have my pendant. Yippie Zippie! Now let’s see what’s going on with Project Company T-shirt. I rang them up on Friday. The woman gave me some bull**** about oh I was just about to call you. Yeah my *** you was *****. They need me to come down and tell them where they want the logo. In the middle on the front. I mean really do you REALLY need me to show you where that is?! They are meant to be professionals.

Well anyway I picked them up and I wasn’t happy with the end results. So £80 gone. At this stage I wanted to have an break down. It was all going wrong. Everything. The t-shirts, the pendant, the pink elephant … it was all going wrong. Wait I didn’t mention Lil Miss Pinky? Ahhhhhh man let’s go there. Right now this is pretty stupid. An American website has the an small pink elephant and you can have an name on it. Now I call it Lil Miss Pinky and the date 14/02/10 as in to say I had this in mind since then. So what’s so stupid? Well … this. They can ship an mug to the UK no problem. But an Pink elephant or anything cuddly. That’s an no no. Now if you ask me that is the biggest what the **** moment ever. I was like wait let me read this again. The F?!

So I e-mailed them why and they basically said they can’t ship outside the USA. So I asked one of my Auntie’s if they can have it delivery to their house and sent to me afterwards? Sure she said no problem. Now she liked the idea of both of these things I was doing and really thought it was an good idea. Sigh so now all I gotta do is wait for that to come. Hopefully my Auntie has it. So I wasn’t happy with how the t-shirts went so I wanted an improvement. I was advised to go to Brick Lane in East London. Not far from work so I found out. Found an place that could do it and have it ready in two hours. Cheaper as well since this also included the t-shirts as well. I’m sold. I went back there the next day and got it looked at. I paid the guy and he did it in under two hours. One hour and an half. Ten t-shirts with the company logo.

Update : And Monday is here!!! So all day I been worried thinking, what do I do when I see David? I rang him up and no joy. Phone was off. Not an good look! I felt angry and could feel my manger saying I told you he isn’t coming. I went to get something to eat, and on the way I thought give him another ring. So I rang him up, and I heard it ringing! So I asked do you want anything to eat or drink? I was ready to give him something to show him that I was happy to see him come by! He refused but I didn’t take offensive. When he turned up, we had an talk and he gave me the pendant. I’m not going to lie, I felt like crying when I saw it. 18 carot white gold with the pink sapphire.

I gave David two t-shirts. One for him and one for San. It was my way of saying thank you for making my dream become an reality. So all that’s left now is to get the chain! I won’t do that till maybe next week Friday since I get paid then! Plus since it’s going to be 18 carot white gold, it’s going to be an lot.

Final update : I got the chain!!! Now all I gotta do is sent it off! To be honest I’m really glad I done this and … I don’t know how but it’s bringing tears to my eyes even typing this out! From reading this you can see how my journey has been. It’s been great and it’s been one ride that I will never forget! I really hope she likes it all that I done and I really do hope she will be be very happy with me! Thanks everyone for reading and the support for pushing me to finish off this project! I’m really glad I done this and I’m glad everyone else can share this moment with me! Thanks again!

Minor details

The pendant and chain (Pink Key) has been valued as an grand. The chain cost £120. The design of the T-shirts was done by Digital Flesh. Idea of the logo was mine.

The 3rd project was scrapped due to too many problems. In all fairness I can understand why they would be so on edge. The design of Pink Key was done by my Dad, He was one of the very few people to see and hold the final result!

Will I do it again? Hmmm maybe. I think 1st let me have an long deserved break and get my mind in peace. Who knows, maybe C.J will get one when his older. As for now I’m looking to jet off an week or 2 and spend time with the family! If anyone wants to get in contact or see pictures of the Project, send me an message!

Pepz/Anton

Yume/Nightmare

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My great downfall in life … (My past)

Note this is a very personal story and is a very long read. All of the things said are based on what has happened to me. Please respect what I been through and if you do suffer from depression then you may feel worst.

Life is a game of chess I always thought and still do. No one knows what move will be made next and who or when we will be taken off the chessboard. This is my story about how depression came into my life. For some people it’s not easy to admit their problems. Maybe they are ashamed or too embarrassed to talk about them. I understand that fully now. No one can understand your pain better than you. However that doesn’t mean they can’t be there to hear your story or be there to comfort you.

I remember it clearly like it was yesterday. Rain falling down hard like there was a backlog of it. I ran into the hospital, asking where my girlfriend at the time was. Shaking like a leaf I found her. My friend who was with me calmed me down. How did this happen? Why did it? To make any sense of it, we will have to go back in time just a few hours. I was at work and my friend called me on my mobile. Problem is you can’t pick it up due to it been work and my lunch break wasn’t due yet.

He came into the shop and demanded to speak to me. Manger at the time was being a dickhead and told him he couldn’t see me and had to wait until I finished work. I heard his voice and walked upstairs and asked him what was going on. He explained. All I remember was me being in a state of panic and walking out. My manger was pissed off at me and even though he heard the story, he said I could wait until after work. I looked at him and walked out and said “call this my notice”. My friend drove me to the hospital and we went in. I couldn’t believe it.

My girlfriend was on her way to the hospital but had an accident on the way. Someone had knocked her over. She was only a few steps down the stairs. Someone pushed her and she fell to the ground. That may not sound so bad; however she was 7 months pregnant with our child. She was instantly rushed to the hospital. The anger and sadness mixed into one made me cry my soul out. I didn’t know what to say to anyone. All I knew was I had to see how she was.

When I got to her room I took a deep breath and walked in. She looked at me and was crying, she was swearing at me and if she could she would have thrown stuff at me. I was ordered out of the room due to me causing more stress to her. I later found out that the baby died. She died of a Stillbirth. I was lost again. Broken in half and felt like nothing mattered any more. She blamed me for it. Blamed me for not being there with her. At the time I accepted it. I took the blame. It was my fault.

My dream was over. I never told anyone about our daughter and wanted to keep it a surprise until she was born. I wanted to show everyone I was a dad. Me and my girlfriend at the time always wanted a child of our own. We were both near enough the same person, we felt like true soul mates. We clicked the first time we talked and became close really fast. When she told me she had something to tell me I didn’t know what to expect. And was scared she was gonna say she was leaving me. That wasn’t it at all. She was pregnant. I remember her sleeping in my arms so tight that night and both of us not letting go of each other.

However she was hiding another secret. She was married to someone else. She told me when she was 4 months pregnant. I didn’t know if I wanted to be with her after that. I felt betrayed. But then who wouldn’t? Why didn’t she just tell me from the start? She kept telling me she was leaving him and would be with me instead. It turned into an on and off relationship from there on. At that stage I started to question if she really did love me, or if she was just simply using me as nothing more than an escape route. Deep down in my heart I felt that it was love between us, and it wasn’t just simply a case of me been used.

So as you know I lost my daughter. It was one of the biggest blows to me. One that made me started drinking. I drank morning, day and night from a range of WKD, Jack Daniels; Southern Comfort … The list goes on. I didn’t care about my life at all; I just wanted it to end.

I stayed with my Granddad at this stage and whatever money he gave me I used on drink. He didn’t know I was drinking of course. But he soon found the bottles. He was pissed off at me and I broke down and told him why. I felt guilty as sin, and hugged him while we both cried. He understood why I turned like this but told me that there is another way.

Reinvent myself. Look towards a better tomorrow. I started to clean myself up. The cries for a drink were so loud they were deafening, but I had to leave it behind. After a while I found work in Safeway’s. Things were good and felt like a fresh start at last.

A few weeks later I got a text from mum saying she had something to tell me. I came home that night not knowing what it was. She lay in bed with the light been off, this is normally the way of mum having a serious conversation. One thing about her is that she won’t go to the doctors unless she is truly ill. It’s her pride; she has always been like this.

I sat on the bed and let her tell me what was wrong. I actually thought she was going to say her and Dad were going to spilt after so long. But no, it was something a lot more serious, she had breast cancer. I didn’t know what to say or do; I had wanted to speak to her about my problems. But how could I now? Knowing how ill she is? It was so bad they had to remove the whole left breast.

I couldn’t think at work and my anger and sadness got the worst of me. Each day I went to see her at the hospital. This one day was the worst, she was leaning forward out of her bed and I saw the needles in her back which made me feel terrible. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t do it, not in front of her while she is trying to be strong.

I went in the next day to work and was pale and shaking. The manger wanted to see me and to be honest it was the last thing I needed was some power tripping person like him. I saw him and his words made me so angry that I cried. And I quote “I don’t care if your mum is in hospital, you need to be here.” I notice a picture of a little girl in his wallet which he had out on the table.

I asked him if that was his little girl. He said yes. So I told him if your little girl had to go hospital, you wouldn’t be here in work, you would be by her bedside. I walked out with staff members asking how I was and why I was shaking so much. I couldn’t bare to face anyone or answer the questions so I had my face covered in my hood.

Few days later I was told that she was allowed to come home, but also had to leave her bed by 7am. This was because they needed to free as many hospital beds as they could. I never asked her about the operation but was told they had to remove her left breast completely. While been back at home Mum never showed her hair and used my bandanna to cover her head, even after having a shower. I knew she was bold, but it’s not something you want to talk about or show either. Again this was Mum being proud and feeling vulnerable, which I respected and understood.

During this period of time mum asked me would I do something for her. I asked what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to cut my plats off. Truth be told I never thought about how much it must have been hurting her, knowing she had lost her hair and me walking around with mine. I sat down on the bed and she kept saying I’m going to do it and told her “come on do it already”.

After she cut one off I could hear her crying. She gave me a massive hug with the words thank you. Later that Same day I went to see my Uncle and asked him to cut it off fully. In a weird way I could still feel mum’s tears falling while this was being done. I smiled to myself thinking I’m doing this for her and until her hair grew back, I’d stay like this.

At this time I moved back in with mum and spent less time with Granddad. It hurt him knowing his daughter got ill, but I kept my word and gave her a hug and kiss from him. At this stage mum was getting pissed off at me for been home, but in my eyes I was looking after her due to the fact that she couldn’t lift things with her left arm.

If she did do anything like that then her wound would start to leak or as she called it “weep”. So I found a part time job which wasn’t far from home, the only problem was it lasted just a month. What didn’t help, and annoyed me, was been told Xmas eve was our last day.

The manager said sales weren’t good and that he had to get rid of 15 of us. I didn’t get paid until after my birthday (4th of January.) I was pissed off with how I was treated and didn’t really feel in the Xmas mood. Even worse, my parents were going to someone else’s house for Xmas, so I was going to be by myself. I didn’t want to ruin it for them so I stayed alone at home. I didn’t do much either way; I took it more of a day off and spent most of the day on the internet in chat rooms.

Dad said to me he had some bad news but would say it person. I came home from work and was ready to hear what he had to say. He explained to me that Granddad has been in hospital again. He told me that they have to put a tube up his nose to feed him since he could no longer swallow. The problem was he kept taking the tube out his nose and was sent back to the X-ray room to place it back in. They made the decision to make a hole in his stomach and place the tube there instead. If that was to go ahead, Granddad would later have to go in a home when he leaves the hospital.

Nan was already looking at some homes where he could stay and a new one was being built at Church Lane in Tooting (not too far for Nan to travel). As long as it helped him I was fine with it. It was more of a shock to hear it was that bad, but as long as he was okay that’s what mattered to me. When Sandi heard about it, she didn’t sound happy and caused some trouble.

Things seemed to calm down and everything was okay again. She went up to the hospital to see him with her family. I was too scared to see him. Too scared to look at him. I didn’t wanna start crying in front of him. I just wanted to act normal and joke with him like we always did. When I did go and see him at last, Nan was just leaving and she told me where he was. I walked passed him with Nan telling me I can’t miss him.

Looking at the bed was a man who looked like he was going through too much pain. My heart just sank and I almost passed out looking at him. Granddad was skinny. When last I saw him he had put on weight. I knew he was sleeping due to his pattern. One eye half open and his mouth open. I wanted to scream that’s not him. It can’t be. But my body was ready to shut down. Nan came back and said “let’s go”. I badly wanted to cry but not in front of Nan. I didn’t want him to suffer any more.

The image of him was burnt in me as a reminder, to say “please God take him”. Xmas day came and it was one of the worst one’s I’d had in a long time. Mum was been really pissy. Instead of helping or answering a question she would just give a cold look. Mum asked me to do Grace and I tried to but I’m no good at it. This lead to her being pissed off and just started eating.

To make it more of a Christmas feel, mum used a Snowman and Santa for Salt and Pepper. Dad asked which one was the salt because she used both. She didn’t answer of course, and instead looked at him with the cold look. I basically had enough and left the dinner table. I started to tie my trainers up with Mum calling me to come back and finish eating which I ignored. I walked out and went into Spar and brought a pack of Superkings and a lighter which was different for me.

I started smoking again and found myself walking to Victoria Station. On my way I noticed something written on the floor that hit me hard, it said Pray. I took this as a sign and started to walk to the river. Once I was there I did what the image said. I closed my eyes with my hands held tight and prayed my hardest asking God to take him now.

I knew my Granddad was in too much pain and I didn’t like him being this way. Four days later my prayer was answered and he passed away.

On Friday the 28th 2007 at around 9:20am Granddad died in his hospital bed. Even though I felt him leave. My prayer was answered I thought, and I thanked God for it. I couldn’t cry but I knew he had passed. I felt it that morning. Like he was hugging me or trying to bite my ear like I used to do to him. It was a joke between me and him due to Tyson doing the same thing to the other boxer. Either way I felt relived for him that now he didn’t have to suffer.

When I got home from work, mum told me she had something to say. I told her “I already know mum, he said bye as well”. I stayed in my room thinking. Soon it was gonna be New Year and soon I was off to Singapore. A holiday I had booked ages ago. The funeral was the next stage of plan. What should have been smooth sailing turned into nothing more than another family argument. Lies started to spread like wild fire towards Sandi and her boyfriend.

Lies like they wanted my Granddad buried somewhere else in London, but not only was it far away, but he would not be alone. What I mean by that is he would be buried with 2 other people in that same spot. Who started these lies? Nan and Uncle Ian did it in order to destroy a happy life for them but we’ll talk about them a bit later though.

This didn’t sit too well with all of us and in the end we told them that this is not allowed. It got so heated that he was almost banned from the funeral itself. The same night I told mum of the outcome of what would be done. Mum started laughing and soon started to cry. I asked why she was laughing but she never told me. It was time for the big day and the arrangements were in place. He was to be buried where Nan choose and she mainly had it how she wanted it.

I really did want Dad to come but for his own reasons he didn’t. Understandable, people say goodbye in their own way. Just like people pray to God while not going to Church. When we got to the church mum broke down in streams of tears. It’s been years since they did see each other and Granddad really wanted to see mum once more. Every time I would leave his house he would always say “Give mummy a big kiss for me.”

Everyone went up on stage and said a little speech about the big man. At the time St. Clair came along to the funeral and he was going to sit at the back. Mum objected to that and told him “no you are coming to sit with us as the family member you are”

I don’t remember my speech but I do remember wearing a cowboy hat which my Granddad used to wear whenever I saw him. Whatever I said made a huge impact on everyone because they came up to me hugging me and crying.

Uncle Ian wanted to talk to me but I was too destroyed to talk to him or anyone. When we went to bury him I saw Mum crying her eyes out and I hugged her tight. She couldn’t face him been buried but I told her I’m going upfront. A small speech was said and the first rock was thrown in. I stood there looking down at where he was and said a small speech in my head. I thanked him for everything, from being there since I was born, to the point of watching me being reborn. I took the hat off and gave it one final kiss and threw it down with him.

Here Granddad, I got this as a final gift to you :). I admit I wanted to cry but I held it in. My uncle hugged me and said that was a very brave thing you did there lad. I’m sure he is smiling back at you and wearing it now. I nodded I didn’t want to show my tears. What he means to me and what he always meant to me was that there is always a bright side. The smile he had, the laugh, the white beard. Everything about him made me happy. That was the man I wanted to remember, and that is the image that will always remain with me. We went to the aftermath where I tried to be strong and tried to put a smile on everyone’s faces.

My cousin Sandi didn’t want to be there because of the beef between her and my Nan. Also the fact of how her boyfriend wanted Granddad buried was a major thing. Mum told her off and said this is much her day to remember Granddad as well as everyone else. Her family stayed and we got to have fun talking to everyone around us. It was like old times in a way, with me and Rashellee chatting and messing about. The event was coming to a close and each person left at different times.

During this time period Nan was becoming mentally unstable by saying Granddad wasn’t drinking his tea. It was a sad time and I could see that she wasn’t over his death at all so I tried my best to play along for a while. I used to go in the room and drink the tea which sometimes was way too sweet or I would throw in the sink. Granddad had a gold ring which we wanted to keep but it turns out that Ian had already taken it and left us all with bare bones of what was left.

Mum wanted a picture of Grandma that Granddad used to keep by him in a gold frame. Ian sent it to mum but instead of giving her the whole thing, he folded up the picture and sent her it by mail. This pissed mum off to high hell and to this day never forgave him for doing that.

Later that year I started to breakdown. The pressure of everything finally got to me. I was again looking to end my life. I prayed so hard to God that if tomorrow doesn’t bring me any good then accepts me to be with my Granddad. I even wrote a note out and everything to explain why I was doing it. The next day I started speaking to a woman online from a website called Tagged. Me and her were going back and forth with messages until we both started chatting on MSN.

It was then I saw something that was special about her to me. She was a single mum with a little boy not even a year old who was upset. But for the 1st time in a long time, I wanted to protect someone. I wanted to protect the smile she had on her face and not let it fade away. I asked her to allow me to do so and watch her and her son grow up.

She accepted it and we started going out and since that day I have never stopped protecting her. No matter how bad an argument we may have or how pissed off I was with her. Missy and her child were my future and the dream I now want to protect.

Whenever I felt low, I always think of his smile and then I realize what I’m fighting for. A future for him. I may not be his dad but one thing for sure; I’ll always love him like he is my own. But as time got we soon fell apart and I was left alone to find myself. Years have past and I look on now of the former me and how much I changed. I’m glad Granddad told me to reinvent myself because now I’m stronger than ever. I am Pepz the 3rd.

Damn you Dad!

Me and my dad never seemed to get on really well but, things have pretty much changed since he moved out. I just can’t forget the one time he made me rage so hard that I couldn’t even speak.

So mum has gone away for holiday and has left the place to me and dad. I’m doing the washing up and I notice I got one sheet of kitchen paper left. So I said to Dad, here’s £10 can you go down the shop and get me some kitchen paper. So he took the money and left. Keep in mind shop is 5 minutes away. An hour has passed and Dad comes through the door at last. In his hand is a supermarket bag, so I was like okay good thinking his gone and brought me some from there. I open up the bag and there is only one kitchen paper in there. I asked Dad, where did you get this from. He replied : I got it from home. You did what I said? And again he replied I got it from home.  I asked him next what about the £10 I gave you? And he said oh I used that for travel fair! Thanks son! At the time I was pissed at him but now I can laugh it off.