In memory of Granddad …

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When Dad said to me an few weeks back he had some bad news, he didn’t tell me what it was about until he sat me and mum down. He explained to me that Granddad has been in hospital again. He told me that they have to put and tube up his nose to feed him and since he could no longer swallow. The problem was he kept taking the tube out his nose and was sent back to the xray room to place it back in. They made an decision of making an hole in his stomach and having the tube placed there instead. If that was to gone ahead, Granddad would later have to go in an home when he leaves the hospital. Nan was already looking at some homes where he could stay and an new one was been built at Church Lane in Tooting (not to far for Nan to travel). As long as it helped him I was fine with it. It was more an shock to hear it was that bad. As long as he was ok that’s what mattered to me. When Sandi heard about it, she didn’t sound happy and cause some trouble. Things seemed to calm down and everything was ok again. She went up to the hospital to see him with her family. I was too scared to see him. Too scared to look at him. I didn’t wanna start crying in front of him. I just wanted to act normal and joke with him like we always did. When I did go and see him at last, Nan was just leaving and she told me where he was. I walked passed him with Nan telling me I can’t miss him. Looking at the bed was an man who looked like he was going through to much pain. My heart just sank and I almost passed out looking at him. Granddad was skinny. When last I saw him he had put on weight. I knew he was sleeping due to his pattern. One eye half open and his mouth open. I wanted to scream that’s not him. It can’t be. But my body was ready to shut down. I almost passed out looking at him. Nan came back and said let’s go. I badly wanted to cry but not in front of Nan. I didn’t want him to suffer no more. The image of him burnt in me as an reminder to say please take him God. When Xmas day came, it was one of the worst days I had. An huge argument strike off at the dinner table and I left the house. Started smoking again and walking to Victoria Station. On my way I noticed something written on the floor. It said Pray. I walked to the river and started doing just that. Asking an request that Granddad could now be taken.

On Friday the 28th 2007 at around 9:20am Granddad died in his hospital bed. Even though I felt him leave. The pain was something I have endured. As of now, I’m no longer able to hold back me crying or me been angry. With him gone … His at rest and in no more pain which I wanted. Even still I’m feeling very unstable and not sure what to do or say to anyone. Still everyone have an nice new year and hopefully I’ll come back soon and say how my birthday and the holiday went.

UPDATED : Reading it again it hits me like bricks. The funeral went pretty good. I really did want Dad to come but for his own reason he didn’t. Understandable, people say goodbye in their own way. Just like people pray to God while not going to Church. When we got to the church mum broke down. It’s been years since they did see each other and Grandad really wanted to see mum once more. Every time I would leave his house he would always say “Give mummy an big kiss for me.” I wasn’t going to say anything at the church, you know speech or anything but I had to. When I did I had the cowboy hat still on. Can’t remember what I said up there but it made an impact since everyone kept hugging me. When it was time to bury him me and St. Clair just made it in time. Mum looked at me and hugged me tight and cried her eyes out. She asked me if I was still going to do it and I said yeah. I went up to the hole where granddad was. Took it off and gave it one final kiss and throw the hat down with him. Here Granddad, I got this as an finally bring you something :). I admit I wanted to cry but I held it in. My uncle hugged me and said That was an very brave thing you done there lad. I’m sure he is smiling back at you and wearing it now. I nodded and didn’t want to show my tears. What he means to me and what he always meant to me, was that there is always an bright side. The smile he had, the laugh, the white beard. Everything about him made me happy. I still miss him an lot and I really wish he could of saw his 1st great grandchild.

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Away till whenever …

Wish I could say it wasn’t true but I have a very important thing to say and get off my chest. As of late I not been honest with everyone and have been having a hard time dealing with this.

In short a member of the family (very close but won’t say who) has Cancer and is fighting the best they can right now in hospital. I do still find it hard to talk about and even now saying it like this feels very wrong.

I’m sorry for anyone I have caused a lot of grief, trouble or anything bad. It’s not been a very easy road for me as some of you may know and I was hoping I wouldn’t face a meltdown. I’m taking this time to take a break from everything right now.

People who are waiting on stuff to be sent to them should be happy to know it’s still been sent and is been dealt with by a close friend. I’m sorry for the delay and any trouble this has caused you.

Thanks Pepz Antonio Ricthie

In sickness and in health …

Sometimes pain can be shown on someone’s body or face but we can’t always judge that. Some people suffer from pain that they can’t show or find it hard to express what or how it feels like. In this case. it’s a mixture. So one of my friends has a pain that is going through his body that can’t be seen but can express and show how it affects him. Me and Mac have worked together and stayed friends now for over ten years now and seeing him in pain really does hurt. Like the care worker I am, I try to let them do as much as they can, then help them when they ask for it. The most annoying thing to help them all the way without letting them try. Mac knows his limit and I won’t ever put him down for it, he knows when it’s gonna kick in or how bad it is.

Another friend of mine, Butterfly is another case of this and again she knows her limits. As much as she does hate me doing it I help her out as much as I can. I like to see her rest as much as she can and my way of saying thank you to her for what she has done in the space of knowing her. In a weird way, I class her now as a Nakama because of our strong bond. Without her been around for the chats we had, I may have done a lot more stupid things that people would not know about.

The thing they both have in common is that they won’t let life bring them down at all. No matter how bad things are or the outlook on what other people think. So then what is the point I’m trying to make here? Well … It varies to be honest. People who are cheating the system by saying they are disabled or can’t do things when they can deep down. It’s those sort of people who annoy me the most because someone like Mac who can’t show his illness, has to go through hell itself to show that he is unable to do stuff.

Other people who have an illness and been written off by the doctor have to do a stupid test to say yes they are ill. What doesn’t make sense is, you can’t judge someone like that and stop their money for this simple fact alone. I went for one and I had to say it was the dumbest thing I ever had to go to. As for as the doctor who gives you this test, can see you move at least one arm and leg, you can work. But again this is where a problem lies. What if the illness is more a mental than psychical problem?

You can’t predict when you can have an anxiety attack or have a fit for that matter. There is no off button for it so it’s completely useless to tell how they will cope. Again the way the government are going on, it does make me more and more angry. Think it was our current prime minster who said sick people should work. Huge problem with that, how many of them do you think will really turn up for work?

Either way the people who are truly ill either do get the benefits they need or get cheated out by people who fake it all the time. But you know what they say, Karma can be a bitch when it comes round and bites you hard. It’s only a matter of time before it happens though.