Maybe …

I’m wondering if me speaking my mind made things worst for you. What if I just let things carry on would you be happier? Am I to blame for you been the way you are because I just feel like … I have hurt you. Was there no other way or was this just me being selfish? This feeling inside of me has blossomed out and spread over to you but what if it was the wrong way.

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Q&A with DisCode 2

Okay so answering a few more questions that get asked!

Question : Will you be recording any of your songs?

Answer : See this is pretty hard to answer because I would love to but I don’t have the voice to do it. So it would have to be someone else who would be able to do it for me and not charge me a ton of money. Maybe someone will do it but for right now I had no offers and I not really reached out to anyone about it.

 

Question :  Do you still do self harm to yourself?

Answer : No thankfully and to be very honest I still feel like I will do someday. I kept a promise to a lot of people I wouldn’t but sometimes it’s hard. I’m trying my hardest not to do anything like that again.

Question : What made you want to do a book?

Answer : I never really thought about it but a friend of mine in L.A told me you should tell the world your story. Me personally I know what I gone through is hell and I’m glad I made it out of it. If others want to read about it is not something I thought strongly about but it seems there is a fan base for it! I would like to say thank you to everyone who is supporting me with the writing of it and sorry it is taking longer than normal.

Question : What would you say is your driving force?

Answer : Keeping going … I would say my family, friends and of course you guys. Without them I wouldn’t be able to keep going the way I am right now. 

Question : Are your lyrics based on experience from yourself?

Answer : Not all of them no. Voiceless is one where it’s more from what my friend went through and same can be said about Save me. Stay and Meta (or Meta-emotion) are half based on my experience in life but me thinking of a different ending.

Question : How far would you say you are in your book?

Answer : I say near the half way mark now. I’m glad I really do need someone to proof read it plus I need to put in order where my songs will fit in. I’m putting all my lyrics into it as well but I’m making them match each part of when it happened.

Well that’s it for this one! Speak to you all soon!

Meta or Meta-emotion (Lyrics may change)

What is it that I see when I look in the mirror in front of me?
Is it me or is it just another side of me that I hide away from?
Who can tell even with this mask I wear to protect my feelings …
I hide away my true feelings away from you still …

It’s true though … That feeling … That I can feel inside me now,
It’s begging to be free now, smiling nervously while my tears drown from my face
Am I just trying to cling on … To someone else? 

(Are you okay? How was your day?
Same old as always. I don’t want to talk about it.
Are you crying? 
Get away from me … Leave me alone.)

Another me smiling and happy in alternative world holding a baby.
When will I be come like they have and be free of this curse?
Will it come in this lifetime or another one? 

It’s true though … That feeling … That I can feel inside me now,
Even though it hurts me so much I starting to numb out the pain in me
Memories soon become lost and void in this dream like state I’m in.
Can I live in this …. Illusion for long?

Dripping … Like water … It’s running down my arms …
Without realizing it I’m crying out your name to come and save me.
Even though I can see you and I’m reaching out to you, 
Will you save me from this pain inside?

Stay …
Leave …
Stay or leave …

Tears running down my face you pull my hands and hold me tight, 
Telling me never to do it again …
But it’s … Not you … 
It’s just a fragment of my imagination …

24/11/13

pmw_certification

Book update!

Well I took it to one side for a while since I was trying to sort myself out. I’m currently trying to be a occupation therapist but it’s been hell getting help. So I’m currently looking at courses to do and it doesn’t start till September. So for now I’m looking at doing a peace course which is self help! Also going to be doing a NLP course next year January! So let’s hope next year is better than this one!

Loading … Please Wait …. Return of the Rant

Hello world I’m bring back one of the greatest things I did years ago, Loading … Please Wait … It’s long overdue and trust me I got a lot of fury in me! So enjoy the new edition and enjoy!

I gotta be honest … I’m pissed off as a gamer with the new releases. Batman Arkham Origins comes out and so many times the game would freeze and lock my 360. Simply thing like flying or checking the maps. Then there is Battlefield 4 … Fuck me what a fucking disgrace the game is! FOUR TIMES the campaign had to be started again because the data would vanish from air!

The online mode isn’t any better either which is a shame to say. The game is just feels like it’s been rushed out to be on next gen. Comparing the current gen of the same game to the next gen, all it is just frigging brighter!!! Wow someone turned up the contrast on my game! I’m seriously wondering IF WB and EA actually heard what the game testers said and thought meh just ship it out.

Back in the day when we had games we didn’t need any of this shit like a patch to fix the game! Well apart from WWE No Mercy on N64. God I remember working that day and telling people yeah you gotta turn off the blood so it doesn’t brick it on you. Games were running 60FPS back then and sure we had borders on most of games back in the day! Anyone remember that from the old school gaming? Damn man we was crying to have the game run full screen without anything like that!

I know some are hyped up for the next generation but to be honest … It really doesn’t interest me at all and all the games showed so far … Again none of them are making me wanna slap down money for a new console. The price of the X1 pad costing £44.99, for £5 more I can buy a game. PS4 is no better either with the cost of the pad. A whooping £59.99 for a brand new pad is pretty high price. Opposite effect here, game is cheaper than the pad.

It’s pretty amazing how M$ did quite a full U turn and made the X1 or as I like to call it a full 180. When it was showed at that reveal show earlier this year, nothing impressed me about it at all. All through my head I was thinking I’m looking at just a media center right now. The talk of exclusive deal with NFL in america is again nothing special for any of us. We complained and M$ listened and the full 180 turn was done.

The 180 has already been reported that cloud updates could reset your system while you are playing a game. Rumour is the OS system isn’t as great as we thought it is and is causing problems already. The games resolution running at 720p instead of 1080p is another factor for some as well. But that doesn’t mean PS4 doesn’t have it’s problem either. Unless your connected to the internet and update the firmware on your PS4, you can’t play DVD’s or Blu-rays. Rumours are flying again of overheating problems on the PS4.

My biggest worry so far is the hard drive. 500GB is nothing. When you get your games and have to install them, you will soon find out the hard drive is going to get full very fast. X1 users are able to buy a USB 3.0 hard drive to plug in for more memory. PS4 on the other hand, you can get a upgrade-able hard drive that can sit in the console itself.

But for what we have right now on our current gen, games like GTA5, Tomb Raider, Bioshock Infinite to name but a few, it shows that what we have is powerful enough. But of course like the Super Nintendo did with Donkey Kong Country, all the best games that push the system to it’s max come out near the end of the consoles life. With that said … I’m going to hope and pray that the patch comes out for both my games.

Rant … Over! As always leave your comments below, spread the word like butter to your friends and I see you on the next edition of Loading … Please Wait …