The call

Another night of not been able to sleep and feeling worst. For the past couple of days I been crying myself to sleep but not knowing why. I reflect back on the conversation I had earlier with Albert about him and his Dad. I understood completely where he was coming from and the pain he feels when it comes to Thanksgiving. It’s the same with me for Xmas because I knew the passing of my Granddad was around it. But is this why I’m so upset? It’s something more than that but I still can’t work it out. I relax on the bed before going into another deep thought again. But for some strange reason … I’m getting flashbacks of a old memory. No that’s wrong it’s of a alternative version of my life. And it finally make sense why I been crying all this time and why I can’t sleep. All these years I been so angry with myself and still blamed myself for the death of my daughter. But the flashback of this memory shows Granddad holding Maria with tears in his eyes. The two precious people in my life that are not with me and yet I still being holding on to them and not letting go. I’ll admit it … I’m scared to have another child because I’m scared it will happen again. I’m scared of not being able to hold them or be there for them. I’m crying my eyes out again but this time D is here with me. She hugs me like the big sister she is and I tell her what’s wrong. Maybe deep down this is what I been needing to ease the pain in me. I’m starting to realise how important the family is to me or why I need them. I look at a picture on my phone of a family member smiling and felt warm inside. I want to protect again what I hold close to me. I want to protect the smile on their face and next time have a picture with them smiling with me. “Finally … The Pepz I remember has come back to us!” D said. Yeah at long last … The 3rd Pepz has remember his calling. I done some damage somewhere in life and maybe almost lost everything again. I need to mend those bridges and walk over them someday. For now I need to focus on the battle inside me and break the chains of guilt. Sometimes even in the most loudest place you find yourself. I can’t hide my feelings behind a mask all my life and I can’t keep ignoring the me from inside. Now’s as good a time to start knowing me better.

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