The road to redemption (Day 1)

For the 1st time I finally got to see a therapist and talk about everything at last. Even though it lasted a hour it was about time I had someone  to sit down and listen to me. See I always knew no one could replace Granddad and feel my pain but even still, I felt like a burden to a lot of friends who knew my past. The worst part is that I felt because of my past I lost them and I get it if they don’t want to talk to me again. The bridge of trust is something that takes years to make and can be easily destroyed by lack of it. But then we all have secrets that we have to hide but it’s who to trust and talk to about it. Even still Jill wasn’t someone I knew but she was willing to listen to me and reflect on what happened.During the whole thing I could feel the tears wanting to come out like a tap dripping but been able to do it wasn’t happening. Was I too scared to? Or was this just another case of me wearing a mask around someone and putting on a brave face. Whatever the reason a sign of relief and a weight off my mind had come free at long last. Some of the words I used like being a Deleted Child shocked her in some way and asked what it meant. All I could say was that it was a case of me being like a zombie and not being to feel again. The more I look back on it the more I’m started to realize how much of a mess I truly am. We talked about each meltdown that I had and what made them happened. Again each time one was talked about the tears kept wanting to come out. At the end of the session she asked me how I felt and I replied with having a huge burden removed from me at long last. I don’t have to be scared that I’m going to lose a friend over this or worry that people will look at me different. This journey is going to be bumpy I get that and I know that over the course I may lose my way. But no matter what I need this to work for me and come out a better person at the end of this. Sigh I wonder what the 1st Pepz was like and if he or she had any problems like I did. I mean we all have problems but it’s how we all deal with it right? I knew so little of the previous Pepz but I took it as a great honour to be called the 3rd. Either way maybe I should ask someone to do a design for the name so I can have it printed on my blank top. And tomorrow will be another day with another new therapist. Also maybe he will be able to take me since Jill said she is not sure she can right now. £45 per a session is a little much but then if she can help me I don’t have a problem. Saying that the one I’ll be seeing tomorrow will be for free but then free doesn’t always mean better as I realized for myself on some occasions. I’ll give them a chance anyway. Maybe tonight I’ll be able to sleep more peacefully without the stress and worry clogging my mind. God help us I just want to be happy again.


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