Another busy day and with only a hour sleep in me … This isn’t good at all but either way nothing I can do. I ring up the GP surgery and ask if they have any appointments for today. Lucky thing they do and I got one for 3pm but I then remember I have a hospital appointment as well. Sigh not that I need it so I cancel it either way but the woman was being pretty rude on the phone. Whatever … I’ll just bite my tongue and let her carry on with her foolishness. Now I gotta get ready to head back to London. I chill out for a little bit and then head into the doctor’s in order to get more tablets. It’s crazy how life has turned out of late for me. All these years I been crying for help and at long last two people are willing to listen and help me in the best way. I can’t build my hopes up on Jill since she said she might be full. Doesn’t matter the fact is I needed someone to talk to about everything who was a professional. Speaking with the doctor who is new there … Something felt different.
Maybe it was the vibe I got from her but no doubts this woman is a very caring person. She asked about my struggle and how I came to this mess part of my life. We joke about and once again I’m feeling a little better in myself and more relaxed. After seeing her I thank her for the talk and she thank me for making her laugh so much. Now she’s up the dose of my tablets maybe I get a good sleep at last. Time to see the therapist and see if he can understand me. Before I did, I checked in on Tabs see how things were going for her. With a new born due next month and her under a little pressure, I do feel like it is my place as a bigger brother to let her rant. Things sounds good for at last and I’m glad things are working out for her at long last.
Strange how we only knew each other for less than a year but we always had each others back. I tell her I’ll carry on praying for her and hope the end of the court stuff end quickly for her. Now it’s time for my appointment with the therapist Nick. We sit in the room and he tells me about how he works. Thankfully his service is free but also from what he has said already is different from Jill. While Jill will just sit down and listen and makes points of how to make things work, Nick on the other hand is saying that he will do that but will also mean sometimes taking a walk as well. Already I’m liking the sound of this and feeling more at ease with talking to him. He starts to ask about my family background and what is my future plan. I told him as messed up as it sounds I wanna be a therapist but he says why do you think that is messed up? Made me pause for a little bit and I think back why I said that.
Then I remember and explained to him some people think that a therapist you have no problems but I say that’s a lie. We all got baggage full of problems despite whatever job we are all in. “Good” he replied. “Good and I hope that you do become one because within the space of us talking I can feel that you want to help people.” I’m a little taken back by this but either way again I can see he means well and can feel my dream is something I’m going to fight for. He ask more about what I expect to get from seeing a therapist and I explain to him what the answer I found at last. All this time I been begging for a end to my life and shut out the voice of reason in me. It’s not a end to my life that I’m looking for, I’m looking for a way to end the pain in me that I have. Again he tells me this is a good thing and that how I am right now, is a very strong person. Without realizing it maybe I have? Also this is the second person today to say this with the doctor been the first. We finally talk about the meltdown and why I call it that. See personally I always thought the word meltdown was the correct term of how I was. Me letting out a primal scream and feeling drained completely after a overwhelming power hitting you. Either way he accepted it but said it’s kinda that and goes more into depth with it. Either way he ask me to talk about the 1st meltdown I had and how it came about.
I tell him the whole story and the best way I can with him jotting things down. The timescale and everything that happened during that period … Yeah it was too much. He then ask me about the 2nd Impact and once again I tell him the whole story. Without realizing it we was nearly out of time and had five minutes left. Within that time period he gives me a rundown on how he sees me and how I acted during the whole process. He tells me I was very still and that he could see that something was crying inside of me to be released. Once again this guy has taken me back by how different he is seeing me. I apoligise to him and tell him that I’m still in Deleted Child mode. His face lights up hearing that and ask me to explain what that is also why I call Pepz a title. I explain to him first about the Deleted Child name and tell him it is something that has been used in the family before. Numbness … Maybe even go as far as saying zombie like. He nods in agreement and says but the good thing is that you know for yourself that. As for the Deleted Child maybe it’s the child in you that is crying out to be free. I can feel the sadness in me again and I’m understanding it all. Since Monday I kept questioning myself by saying who are you? Who is it that you see? Is my body language showing this?
He carries on and tells me something that hits me harder than anything else. You do realise that your Granddad never left your side right? His always been there by your side and watched over you with his cowboy hat. The tears build up in my eyes and I lower my head. He tells me he will see me next on the 30th at midday at this location. He gives me a hug and instantly I’m crying my eyes out. I kept saying I’ll be okay and he lets go. I can no longer look him in the eyes and I wipe my tears away with my head still low. I tell Nick thanks again for doing this and that I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow I’ll try and find sometime to give Granddad his drink early and light a cigarette up in his name. I leave with the rain falling on me and not putting up my hood. I’m crying walking home but now I don’t have any shame in it. I’m finally breaking free of the mask and I’m finally able to release who I am.
The question is still raised in me … Who are you? Is this the child in me that has been trying to talk to me? Maybe it’s time we did start speaking and finding out more about each other. Once again I’m crying but I’m smiling as well. What a unexpected day this has been. I know the road is going to be bumpy and I know things are going to be hard. But I’m not giving up on finding my true meaning of who I am again. Who am I? I am Pepz. I am the 3rd person who will carry this title and change but this time, I’m changing my life around. This time … Like I always do will break every wall that will try and block me. You was right Kat … Nothing can kill me now. Time to get ready to leave once more and feel the rain.