Who are you?

Again another sleepless night … It’s nearly 7am but I feel … I’m feeling lost again. I didn’t make a post about it but I saw Nick the therapist a couple of days ago. He was saying it sounds like I have a lot of anger in me but yet wondering where the pain was. Was I hiding it again? Have I been wearing a mask without realising it for that session? I don’t know. Then I got reminded about the hedgehog theory which sounds like me quite a lot. I’ll explain the theory first before speaking about me. The theory is that hedgehogs want to keep each other warm however because of their spikes they will hurt each other. In this case I will hurt people who try to get close to me and I then wonder why they have left. It’s a problem I had for nearly all my life but again only now am I realising it. Shameful. I should know better but I don’t know and it’s why I allow myself to get hurt so much. I guess this is the part if D was here she would pat my head or maybe hit me with something. I know a few of my problems but instead of been able to deal with them, I close the door on them. Sigh either way I have to see Jill on Monday so maybe she can help me out a bit more. I gave Nick a look at a folder I kept that showed most of what happened during my 2nd meltdown. He couldn’t believe it how thick and heavy it was. Although he flicked through it all he saw one page where he looked a little upset. It was when I had to visit a medical doctor about my depression for the claim. The problem is I don’t think he liked it and seemed a little off. It was like he found out I was cheating on him or something. Sigh either way we carried on talking about the whole 2nd meltdown. I wanted to talk more about the other two than that. Another thing I noticed was how he greeted me with no handshake or asking how are you. More me asking all the questions and finding things out. I told him about my auntie passing away and right now how mum isn’t coping too well. I know it isn’t going to be easy but either way I’m just hoping she can hold together for a little longer. I’m starting to wonder if mum does get any sleep at all even though she has the light on. My eyes are starting to hurt now so I’m going to go and rest. Almost half seven already.

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