Nick third session (Road to Redemption)

Once again I went to see him and hope for a better session. Like the last one he waited for me to say something instead of asking questions. This makes me feels weird at to be honest harder to talk to him. Every therapist is different but the approach he has … Well it feels more like a burden. Maybe that’s not the right word. Forced maybe. To give you a idea of it, imagine been in a small room with two seats, a table in the middle of the room. Two seats looking towards each other with lights that have been dimmed down. Now you have a good idea of what I’m going through with each session with him. I tell him about current affairs and how busy my life is getting now. He listens and ask the question if I’m looking forward to going to Jamaica. Again I say no I’m not and I explain why. It’s going to feel I’m going to be in the Big Brother house and that it’s giving me really bad anxiety to even head out now. Let’s be honest now if hearing that doesn’t make you feel awkward then what doesn’t? His reply to this made me think about it.a bit. Maybe this is mum’s anxiety and this is her way of letting it off on me. Maybe it is because that and that’s why she is saying all of this. The problem is that by doing what she is and saying all of it, it’s making it harder for me to feel relaxed. I tell him though that to be honest I’m seeing a part of mum who has showed me without her mask. It’s always the same though, something major like a death in the family brings us all together. Martin tells me something insetting though, about a hotel where people in america are allowed to stay for long period and even live there. But the thing that sparked me my interest was what he said about the people. Each one is different and each have their own character as in one can be funny, one sad and so on. But there is one character who is hidden and that one is the one who hides in the background. My view on this makes me think maybe this is the one who I feel more connected with. Sure enough I write about my day to day life at times and even writing a book but is this one scared to face people. I wore a mask for so long that it’s taken me a while to realize who I am again. More to the point I blocked so much out that I didn’t even realize it. My Nan passing away …. Why did we stop talking as much as we did? Why was I feeling so much anger when I saw her on her death bed? It’s only going to be a matter of time till I do find out. Will it be too late or will I fall back down into a deeper hole of depression. He ask me what do I feel in my body. This was pretty hard for me to understand and get to grips with even though it sounded so simple, I just couldn’t feel anything. Near the end of the session he says to me just shake off but again I couldn’t. I could strech but shake it off was something I couldn’t do. What is it that is weighing me down so much that I can’t understand? Why am I feeling the way I am? I’m hoping I find the answer soon and even more it doesn’t effect my time with me been in Jamaica.

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