Az’s Funeral

Today was one of my friend’s funeral but instead of going to it, I stayed at home. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t say goodbye to him like that and I guess the worst thing is, he’s not getting buried. But then this was what he requested in his suicide note. Despite not going, I did get told that he did have a really good service played in church. I guess I’m angry at myself for not going. But I knew I couldn’t deal with it. Six funerals in six months isn’t the way I thought life would turn out. Everyone I spoke to keep saying it’s a test of how strong you can be. Sure I haven’t had another major meltdown but then how soon until I do? In a way I feel like I’m hiding behind a mask again with the happy face beaming. It’s not me, not the real me. Sometimes I wish things were simple and I could carry on living without so much sad news. Maybe next month will be the part where things finally start to turn over and more good news will happen. The one thing I can’t ignore though, is that each passing is taking a hit on my depression. I’m not giving up and nor will I fall down that hole of despair.

Release (Lyrics)

Everyday we would watch you struggle,
Without wanting no help at all.
No matter what, you always tell us,
The same thing that you can do it alone.

So many times I wanted to help.
But when I did you would shout at me.
It’s always the same response from you though.
I don’t need you so leave me alone!

Can’t you see the pain it brings when I see you in this way?
I wish that I could do more to help you on your way.
But you still shut me out telling me how strong you are,
Yet all I could see from you is the tears building in yours eyes.

We used to to say that the world will hate us.
because what we will just say what we think.
But even still, no one can take away the pain
That you feel, inside your hearts.

Tell me why, once again,
Am I alone without you now?
Was the pain too much, that
I couldn’t see it then?
Are you now feeling free,
Now that all the pain has gone?
Or does it haunt you still to this day …?

Let out the tears you want to cry.
Don’t feel ashamed of who you are.
We are only human at the end of the day.
No one can tell us that, we didn’t try our best.

Everyday that seems to pass,
People ask me how you are?
And all I can say is that,
You fought the best you could.
Somehow I hope that you can rest easy now.
The cancer was strong but you died a happy man.

No one else can take away the legacy you left behind.
Even if they try, they could never copy you.
So then now rest assure, that your name will live on now.
Even though you are not with us, in the flesh …

We bows our heads and pray to God.
Asking him to forgive us for our sins.
But even still if he fulfil this one request.
Then it would be that, you don’t suffer no more pain.

In memory of Az who died on 10/06/14

23/06/14

pmw_certification

The other side of the coin

Sometimes in life we can’t help what goes on around us and it leaves us in a state where we become low or just try to cover it up. I once said before that I felt that most people wear a mask to protect what they really feel like and have to keep it on to hide what’s really going on. Am I doing the same now? No not at all, I’m just working out what’s going on and how to handle the situation better. Death is never easy and the fact that this is now number 6 leaves me wondering how much more I can take. One every month so far and yet all I wish is for things to get better and not worst. In some cases we have to go through a bad spot to realise what really counts around us. But it feels so weird now. In the sense that … I’m not feeling down and out but I’m a little … I dunno how to explain it. Regardless I know my friends will be there if I do breakdown but I don’t see that happening right now at all. Life can be short and sometimes we take it for granted the things we have around us. Whatever your reason for committing suicide, I respect it but I really wish I knew why you did it.

Turn of event

Bit weird how sometimes you hope happiness will come and when you least expect it, it happens. Of course not everyday is gonna be a good day but the past few days have been which is nice! Next week looks like things will start to get busy for me again. I’m off to a suicide event which I have no idea what it will be like but will help me out in my training to be a Samaritan! Hopefully my role in the hospital won’t start then and I’ll have to cancel it because I had to book train tickets to get to the place since it is up north. Either way I made up my mind of wanting to learn more about the cause and maybe give me a better understanding on things. As I always said, we can only learn so much from ourselves until we need to branch out and learn from others. I had a really cool weekend as well but I’m pretty tired so can’t really go into it right now! Either way it’s been a good week despite the bad news that has happened. Either way I’ll talk more about at a later date!