Praying for the pain to stop

I honestly am asking for help because I really can’t do this any more. I’m very low and although I put a happy smiling face for people I can’t keep hiding behind the fact that I want to be free from the pain. I’ve once again self harm myself and once again feeling alone because I don’t know how to cope or deal with things. I’m literally unhappy with myself and everything about me but I don’t want suicide to be the main thing to end me. I can’t because if I do then I’m just gonna make myself more unhappy and what’s more I need to focus on how to improve. What happened was my fault no doubt and I can’t deny I’m heading off in the worst direction. I’m sorry to upset people and I’m even more sorry for the people I made cry and hate me. I never did want that but then I guess that’s my problem, I will always hurt people who are too close to me. The hedgehog’s dilemma is basically the only way I can say it. Once you know what that means, you understand why I did it.

Birth of DisCode (Poem)

The days where I could feel my soul leaving, is becoming stronger.
Death is watching over and the grin on his face is getting bigger.
I don’t fear the end no more, I welcome it.

Bring the pain.

But remember, I will not back down.
Instead I will look towards you with a devious smile
And keep wondering what your next move will be.

Bring the fate.

The feeling of your eyes stalking over me,
Like an CCTV camera annoys me.
Or is it more the case of a sniper from the rooftop?
Whichever way I look at it, I won’t be down staying down.

Bring the fear.

Maybe that disappoints you but I can’t deny,
It will be a losing battle.
The tunnel filled with darkness, will always shine a light.
No matter how small a flame it is.

Bring the dawn.

I made a name for myself and that name is Pepz the 3rd.
However I will also use my new name, DisCode.
Take me on and let’s go all out, on this final battle.

Bring the end.

02/08/14
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Mistrust (Lyrics)

Looking high and low around the place
Searching for the answer that hides in your heart
Turning away from the illusion in front of you
But even still you can’t see me …

Wishing to be free
From all the pain
Around you …
But no matter where you turn,
It’s always there,
Following you.

Even though you try to hide it all away but you can’t hide the cracks in your smile.
Tell me what is it that you so scared to speak of? You know I’ll help you out!
Don’t cry any more.

Listening too many lies around you now
Finding it hard to believing in yourself
Don’t look away from the people who want to look after you.
All the hate they have for both of us,
Could never break the strong bond,
Created from the love that we have for each other.
Let them try and break it but they will always end up failing.

Those sleepless nights where you would cry your eyes out
Thinking that, you don’t deserve
Even though I wish, I could be there for you all the time
But I can’t.

Still you cut yourself away from everyone including me and your family.
Tell me what good did it really do when all we wanted was for you to get better.
Let your tears out.

Listening too many lies around you now
Finding it hard to believing in yourself
Don’t look away from the people who want to look after you.
All the hate they have for both of us,
Could never break the strong bond
Created from the love that we have for each other.
Let them try and break it but they will always end up failing.

Where did you go now hunni?
When my nights are so cold and lonely?
When I need you so right now?
Can’t nobody replace you even now
You were I gave my heart and soul to.
So don’t even think that you’re alone.

No matter where we both are,
My heart is yours …

Crying out your name in the dark,
Waiting for the moment for you come turning back
Looking at me directly and tell me it will be okay…
Nothing can stop us now when I got you by my side
Let the haters come and try tear us apart
But we will look at them and laugh in their faces …

Don’t let go, together we can take on the demons that want us down.

In this world of pure hatred,
can’t nobody take the love we have for each other
Tell them we can take them all on and we won’t be defeated so easily.

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Cry for help (lyrics)

If I have to leave this world,
Would my soul still remain?
Will the story be forever told?
And go down in history?
Crying for advice.

All I see is suicide,
No one wants to live that long,
This life that people fear,
Where no one wants to hear the cries.
Hope has been lost.

Like the eagle in the sky,
Watching over from beyond.
Praying to the Lord
Hoping to see a sign.
Don’t leave us to die.

27/07/14

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Sorry (Lyrics)

At times I keep on asking what went wrong.
Was it a case of me not trying hard enough?
But even now I wish that I could see your face once more,
Maybe even be able to talk to you.
But no matter what the feeling is,
My heart is crying out to you now…
Was we just so in love that we hated each other,
For that night where we lost our baby.

Is it the fool in me?
That wishes you could come back home,
Is there a chance that we can mend the pain in each other hearts?

The tears that you must of cried that night,
All alone,
The times I wish that I could have held you again,
Has it gone?
And yet even now I’m crying out to the top of my lungs,
Baby girl,
I still love you…

Remember when you first told me that you was pregnant,
The tears of joy that we both cried that night.
It was the first time that I that ever felt,
That nothing could touch us,
Nothing could ever go wrong for us.
We laid there picking names for the baby right there,
Thinking which one would suit him or her best.
The days that we counted on down,
Was a feeling I will never forget.

Those precious memories will always stay in my heart,
Even if I didn’t say it I wish I could have done more.

No matter where life takes us now,
I wish you’re okay.
Smiling past all this pain that we face, together.
Maybe one day we can smile at each other,
But until that day,
I’m so sorry…

I wish that life isn’t so cruel like this,
Just let us be.
The pain that you had to go through,
Was too much.
All I can do is say this
Baby girl …
I’m so sorry…

31/07/14

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Deztiny (Lyrics)

The nights that I used to countdown.
Till the days that I could of hold you at last.
Your name that me and your mum picked,
Was to show the beauty that would shine on in you.
There was nothing that we wanted more,
Than to hear your cry.
But when that day never came,
It made me and your mother drift apart.

So can anyone tell me,
Why they had to take my beautiful angel away?
I just wish that I could have been able to see her.

I pray to God that you could of,
Be here.
I don’t know who to blame or what to say,
Any more.
The tears that I cry,
Only wishing you was alive.

I took the blame of your life.
Feeling like it was my entire fault,
I slipped into a deep depression,
Not wanting to live again,
But instead just be by your side.

Looking back now,
I know I couldn’t save you.
But in any way I could of,
I would have done anything I could of.

The days I wish that you were here,
Stay in my heart.
I pray to God that you can,
Watch over me.
No matter where life takes me,
Remember that,
Daddy loves you …

31/07/14

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Clear the air

I need to clear the air a bit and just get what I feel out of the way. Around last week or week before that, I had a nasty text message from a former friend. She basically said things that hurt me a lot, namely calling me a shit Dad and saying it was no wonder my child died because I would of bored her to death. Just very immature and hurtful things. Like I said it did hurt me a lot and I was devastated by it. Someone would really sink that low and bring up my daughter like that and think it’s okay? No you don’t deserve my time or effort. You stay at home, smoke weed, drink every night yet can’t be bothered to look after your child? I regret swearing but I had to say it… F**k you and get a f**king life. You think men will take you on flights and buy you expensive items because you can’t be bothered to find a job or do anything to support yourself or even your family? No. I don’t want nothing to do with you any more and good luck to you in the future because you need it. Now that’s out the way, I do have something else to talk about. I was recently asked what I would of said to my ex who was gonna be the mother of my child. They didn’t want me to say it but write instead. End result was this song called I’m sorry. For some reason I couldn’t stop and I write a song very close to it but called it Deztiny because it was about her. I’ll post them at a later date with the other song I wrote recently. Anyway that’s my rant done and hope you all enjoy the new lyrics I created!